Please welcome Brittany to the Called team today. When we read her submission to post as a guest we all immediately connected with her heart and her vulnerability. We think you will be moved and encouraged by what she shares. All the way from NYC…
“Though the Lord is high, He regards the lowly.” Psalm 138:6 (ESV)
I’m a thirty-year-old living in Brooklyn with no career, an awful resume, and a whole lot of self-doubt.
There’s not much that can make you feel less significant or more unsuccessful than having no direction or clear ability, all while living among the brightest and most ambitious in New York City.
It would be OK if I were a struggling artist, living a gypsy life in a studio with fourteen other people, living off of pizza slices and dreams.
But I’m not an artist (though I do love a good crafty project). I’ve never done anything to great success. I’ve never been the best or even the most dedicated.
I often wonder why I have the specific struggles that I have. Why am I the one who has such petty issues like anxiety and fear and laziness? I’m thirty now, why aren’t I fixed yet? Why aren’t I better? This has come with a lot of self-pity, a lot of comparison, and a lot of jealousy. I wonder why I didn’t get a clear talent or ministry. I swear, it seems like everyone else can sing like an angel, or can prophesy, or is starting a non-profit, while I am too busy brooding and choking on self-pity to even pitch in.
It has affected the people I have relationships with. It has kept me from celebrating others’ successes. It’s a downward spiral – self-pity topped with gross feelings that I feel guilty about. Because I feel sorry for myself, I don’t always seek out ways to bear fruit. I forget that I have gifts that He wants to use. As a result, I then feel guilty for not doing anything for the Kingdom. As Tim Keller says, “Self-pity can lead you to cut corners ethically. Don’t add a bad conscience to a heavy heart.”
But maybe this lack of purpose and talent is a gift in itself. Maybe there is even a calling in it: for an imperfect, wandering girl from Backwoods South Carolina to live in Brooklyn and talk to the people on the sidewalks that are perhaps sad or lonely. To cheer them with this baby strapped to me.
Could my life really be this small?
Could my life really be this big?
Maybe if I had a “higher calling”, no one would be talking to these people. I don’t know. But I think instead of wasting time asking God why He did not make me bigger, better, brighter, I should be on my knees thanking Him for the gift of empathy and time to really see the people that are on the sidelines.
If only I could see His delight – flowers blooming, champagne corks popping – when His wounded soldiers begin to limp along in the calling that He has placed on them, rather than sitting in a dark room comparing our callings to the ones we see on Instagram.
It’s a good and lovely thing that some are called to be famous or beautiful or smart or a leader. But maybe you are like me and called to something less obvious, quieter, and dustier. Take heart; you are part of a body that functions together and needs you very much.
Take heart; He regards – sees, remembers, does not overlook – the lowly. He has a calling for you, wounded and confused and jealous soldier, even though every day you may wonder what on earth it is.
Take heart; you have a part in bringing His kingdom to earth.
Brittany Knott is a typical former English major who bounced from being a barista to a hairstylist and now her favorite role as mother. She lives happily in 700sq in Brooklyn with her husband and daughter. You can check out her blog at http://kneedeepinlovely.com/